Lab Rat

Well, the halfway point as come and gone with the nasty chemo treatments, and I am onto the four rounds of the "red devil". I took my first dose of that last Wednesday and the worst result of that is the overwhelming fatigue and the water retention. I am supposed to keep my feet up all the time, but I have very little tolerance or time for that. The water seems to like to creep up towards my heart if I stay on my feet for too long and I guess that seems to be bad....

Anyway, this last appointment gave us the results of the genetics test. Our crazy family has so much cancer in it that the genetics specialist has been very excited to get these results back. All three girls, my dad, and my sister went with me and my dad tried to take careful notes. Of course they decided to make this appointment RIGHT after I took my chemo so his notes could be awful and I would have no idea! (just kidding)

It seems that it is possible to test for up to ten genes for hereditary cancer, and they could test for the the first two this time-the now famous BRCA1 and BRCA2 which have been making so many headlines these days. They started with these because they are the two that are the most common to be associated with breast and ovarian cancer that runs so rampant in my family. Genetic testing is complex and expensive because there are hundreds of possible mutations to look for. Also, even if a mutation is found it does not mean that a person will certainly develop breast cancer – only that they have a higher risk of the disease. ANYWAY- BRCA1 and BRCA2 are a NO in my wacky code. Big shock because why should I be normal? My doctor was not sad or upset. I might judge his reaction as carefully controlled delight if I did not know better. In fact, he decided that he wanted to recommend our family for ANOTHER study. By this I mean our WHOLE family. I had a feeling this would happen. He is kind of a lab rat himself, and this is a great chance for him-haha.

The study would make it possible for many members of our family to be tested- not only sisters, brother, daughters, but also aunts, cousins, etc to see just what was going on. The crazy thing is, the more I find out, the more at peace with this I get. I am waiting right now to find out if we meet all the criteria, but I have no doubt that we will.

Right now I am sick, I am tired, and I am about to be weepy, but if you are on this list you have been going through this journey with me so you understand. Everything from the beginning of this, from it happening after generations of death from it, to it happening while my husband is deployed has felt like a slap in the face only to have it be revealed as a necessary step in the path forward later on. I realize this sounds preachy, and I do not mean to, but between the medicinal studies that we are getting to do and now this one, I cannot see any other way to fix this issue except for someone to have to dive in the muck and get their hands dirty. Since I am the liberal thinking vegetarian, it might as well be me-.

So three more chemos to go and then the surgery and testing in-between is where we stand now. Thank you everyone for the calls, the meals, the cleaning, the driving lessons for Daughter Two (Dad with his life in his hands), and all the things my currently addled brain cannot type right now. Again, things like this bring out the best in people. Some of the best are in my own family, and three of the very best are in my house. My girls do laundry, go to the grocery store, pick up, walk the dogs, and they insist in sleeping in my room and watching over me at night. They have truly learned sacrifice like no other lesson could have taught. I am proud to have an 18-year old that gave up everything that she has worked her entire school career for to stay with her sisters so they would not have to care for me alone despite all my many tears and protests. She put off her scholarships for an entire year and is going to school locally. My mom always emphasized family first, so I guess the good genes got passed down too, and the girls make her proud!

love is all over the place

lately i've been glaring into mirrors
picking myself apart
you'd think at my age
i'd of thoughtof something better to do
than making insecurity into a full-time job

making insecurity into art
and i fear my life will be over
and i will have never lived unfettered
always glaring into mirrors
mad i don't look better
so i'm beginning to see some problems
with the ongoing work of my mind
and i've got myself a new mantra
it says: "don't forget to have a good time"
don't let the sellers of stuff power enough
to rob you of your grace
love is all over the place

there's nothing wrong with your face
love is all over the place "

The Inspiration

Sometimes it's hard to know what to write about, but you know that you have to write something. I would like to do better- it's some kind of therapy and life is so funny, sweet, sad and crazy.

As I began to write about something else entirely this week, a picture that I recently hung in my house caught my eye. It's from WWII, and it's a saying that was on the posters for the English citizens that they saw as they were headed to the bomb shelters. While this sounds morbid, I find it extremely motivational for the situation that I find myself currently in: "Keep Calm and Carry On."

I have discovered that I have learned something throughout this cancer and deployment journey. ANOTHER thing, if that can be believed. Sometimes panic is overrated. If we wait it out, and ride the tide, things settle down for themselves. Many times life throws the curve balls to us but then we try to see what WILL happen to fix it. I am learning to just wait and see how it will work out. This is a very hard lesson for me. I have always been one to try and predict things, fix them, have a plan....not lately.

I look back and so many things and so many doorways have opened unexpectedly on this journey. Had I panicked, and reacted- NOT stayed the course, that would never have been. I have at LEAST a dozen new friends that will be my friends forever now. My family is closer. My husband and I are more distant in proximity but closer in spirit. My initial reaction sometimes is still to scream and cry and throw a temper tantrum at my circumstances, instead of to look at where I am.

A bad diagnosis? Not feeling well? Haven't heard from my soldier? There is the wall- I look-

I just look at my poster and smile. "Keep Calm and Carry On." It's perfect. I'm glad I can look at that tomorrow. Things are different tomorrow.