How I Feel

WORD OF WARNING...This will not be the most uplifting update.

This is REAL. Cancer is real. I'm still going through it. I have cancer. There, I said it. As I may have been positive throughout my diagnosis, chemo, etc.. and for the most part I still am, there's no denying that it's not the most pleasant experience in the world - physically and psychologically.

My panic attacks from years ago are starting to creep back into my life. Sure it's no wonder, but I wish they would just stop. My blood counts are incredibly low which makes me feel even more terrible. Those are the days I can't function, feel dizzy, can't think straight and can barely get out of bed. Oh yeah, and food tastes like metal - or has no taste at all. The things I enjoy I can barely enjoy anymore. Hopefully in the next few months that will get better.

I've been a bit more depressed, a lot more anxious, and a lot more isolated. For some strange reason (and I've finally opened up about this to other cancer patients) people just disappear. Don't know why. No one does really. This seems to be the norm in a lot of cases and I know I'm not alone in this regard. Maybe people think they don't want to bother me? But this is the time I could use a friendly face or a phone call. I'm here in my house, with chemo, no place to really go and sitting alone with my thoughts while life is happening around me and there's nothing I can do about it. Can't travel right now, can't go to the movies, can't even walk around the block sometimes. What a waste of a summer.. and I feel bad that my kids are stuck in the same position simply because of me.

I'm not trying to guilt anyone here. Really I'm not. If anything I'm embarrassed. But here I am, and I'm not going anywhere... and if anyone would like to reach out, please do so. There's no good way for me to ask this. If for some reason I'm not feeling well or I'm sleeping, I simply won't answer the phone. But otherwise, it's nice to hear people's voices or see their faces once in awhile. It really can uplift the spirit a bit knowing that people are around somewhere. On that note... as a reminder I know I am an extremely strong woman, have been through a lot in my life and I will get through this. But even the strong ones admit they need some reassurance once in awhile... and we all have our bad days. I'm human, even though I do not feel like it, or even look like it. I AM human- right? Are you there? Hello?