Staring Into Space

Things are worse in the desert now, says my husband, and I am trying to come out of the chemo funk. The first round I didn't know what to expect, but this time I am watching for things.....Day 1 this time I was tired, but I have still gone to work and tried to keep on as usual. I went Wednesday, and this is Saturday, and I am crashing BAD!
My husband finally called from the middle of one of his missions. It seems that they are getting shot at daily. The news is not reporting this of course, just that we are getting "control" of the situation. It is not helping what I am feeling and I am wondering what the pain pills are for- the aches or for missing him?
I am spaced out, dizzy, weepy, and tired. However, the good news is that the tumor, which was a MONSTER, has appeared to shrink after one round of chemo. This should NOT be the last thing that I mention, but the state of mind I am in causes me to scramble priorities.
Or maybe not. It's close to my heart- growing right on top in fact. My love, the other half of myself, is getting shot at daily, which is one in the same place. I guess I was talking about the same thing all along.
I need him to be home and safe-gggrrrrrrr.......when will this all end?

The MOST wonderful day-Chunk Day

My hair started falling out today and it was one of the most wonderful days of my life. Way up there anyway. I mean the BIG chunks that are amazing and you cannot believe after you see all that is in the trash that you have any left on your head.

I was told by my oldest daughters band directors that she was getting a huge award at the school yesterday morning. I was told that I had to be there to surprise her and get some pictures, especially since her Dad is out of the country. She is graduating this year so I wanted to make sure that I did not miss it. When I got there, I was with my girls and my best friend Crystal, and my oldest walked with me from the counselor's office to the band room. When I got there and opened the door, I was met with TV crews, cameras, etc in my face, and applause. I was very confused until I managed to see past them, and then the tears flowed.

The entire room was decorated in pink as well as everyone in it. There were posters, balloons, flowers, candy, cards.....it was overwhelming. Mr. Carrier gave a speech about how we were all family and I needed support now, and then I received hugs from all the kids. It was the most amazing experience and one that will carry me through the entire treatment.

My mom is watching. That much is clear. I see it everywhere. She is helping, she is healing, she is moving pieces on the chessboard. I am so lucky and I think I am going to be fine....

Aaaahhh-the Fountain of Youth

Sur-Real? TV?

The newscast came out. I look different than I thought I would. I am going to attach it and see what the general consensus is. It tells more of the story than I can.

Lion Lady

Sometimes I seem to slip and forget who I really am. I am the granddaughter of high-ranking Native American heritage, and I need to remember that. My grandmother introduced me to my totem, and it was unusual. Generally, they are something that exists in North America naturally, but mine was not. A male lion has strength that is not found in most females, as well as a certain gentleness not found in the species. She was shocked at the time. I need to draw on this strength at this time with all that I have, and use the gifts that this partner bestows upon me.

Before I was diagnosed, I knew something was going to happen. The hawk was showing up over and over, and this is not their season around here. The hawk is a messenger, and I did not pursue it. I will not let this happen again.

Tonight I am going to look into myself and see what I need to do MY strengths, my ABILITIES, and using MY way, which the doctors may or may not know of. This can only enhance my treatment. Maybe cancer has messed with the wrong bitch.

You can only hold out your hand for so long looking for help before it simply falls from exhaustion.

"Happy" Mother's Day

Happy Mother's Day! Since 2000, when my own best friend (and mother) passed away, I have always passed this day in tears. Today I did the same. I felt a lot of sadness, but of a different nature. I sat and cried, and cried some more. I was diagnosed in the same month as she passed away, and there are other parallels as well. Today in my worst of the pain, I knew she was crying with me. It has been years since I have allowed myself to feel so close to her, but today I let it go and she was waiting. I am not religious in that way, but I know she is there somewhere. That was the best gift I could have for Mother's Day. Whatever energy she left behind she gave to me for this fight.

I will win it for her, for my younger sisters, and my three daughters. I guess I needed to be reminded of the TaeKwonDo spirit. My daughters gave me such a great day- an indoor picnic, hugs, cards, and all the support I could ask for while I am feeling so rough. I just hope I gave her that much while she was here. I can make it up to her by winning just in case, right? She IS watching, after all....

Here's to you Kathleen Ann, my Mamacita- you were the GREATEST of all mothers. I miss you every day. You tried to win, but between the two of us, we WILL win!