Breakdown of the Week

He has been on a "mission" for several days, and I finally got one of the famous CALLS....it was at about 5:30 am and we got to speak for about 3 minutes. I feel so lost right now. He told me he would call back either late last night or today so I am right back in call panic again, worried that something has happened to prevent it. He said it would be dangerous.

Since THE diagnosis I have not gotten to really have a conversation with him. I NEED to. I am scared out of my mind, and cry at the drop of a hat. There is no one to share it with who really knows the true me. I keep putting on a brave front, but it creeps up at the strangest times. On top of call panic I have cancer panic and the phone rings and there is no one that I want to talk to but I have to play nice, because everyone is just being kind now. My life is a fantastic train wreck to watch. If I don't answer they e-mail and then there are THOSE to answer and all I want to do is hide in the bed and be left alone.

I am cracking and I know it. I feel like I have stepped out of myself and I am watching a movie of me. I try to be brave and say that there is a reason for this to happen, and that if I do a research study like they want me to maybe it will not be a waste and I can help someone. I can see the looks on the girls faces and I remember feeling the way that I know that they do when my mom had cancer, and I can't make it better. That's the worst part-I can't fix this for them.
She must have felt that way too and never told me. This ending will not be the same.

I need my partner here by my side. I need his arms around me doing what he does best, which is making me feel safe and letting me know how much he loves me. I need him telling me everyday that he will still think that I am beautiful through the chemo, and that he will still love me when I am sick and weak. I wait until I am alone to cry, and I am not much comfort. I guess I need a bigger pillow.

Pace and wait, pace and wait......surely the phone will ring soon...at least HALF of this panic has to be comforted, right?