Breakdown of the Week

He has been on a "mission" for several days, and I finally got one of the famous CALLS....it was at about 5:30 am and we got to speak for about 3 minutes. I feel so lost right now. He told me he would call back either late last night or today so I am right back in call panic again, worried that something has happened to prevent it. He said it would be dangerous.

Since THE diagnosis I have not gotten to really have a conversation with him. I NEED to. I am scared out of my mind, and cry at the drop of a hat. There is no one to share it with who really knows the true me. I keep putting on a brave front, but it creeps up at the strangest times. On top of call panic I have cancer panic and the phone rings and there is no one that I want to talk to but I have to play nice, because everyone is just being kind now. My life is a fantastic train wreck to watch. If I don't answer they e-mail and then there are THOSE to answer and all I want to do is hide in the bed and be left alone.

I am cracking and I know it. I feel like I have stepped out of myself and I am watching a movie of me. I try to be brave and say that there is a reason for this to happen, and that if I do a research study like they want me to maybe it will not be a waste and I can help someone. I can see the looks on the girls faces and I remember feeling the way that I know that they do when my mom had cancer, and I can't make it better. That's the worst part-I can't fix this for them.
She must have felt that way too and never told me. This ending will not be the same.

I need my partner here by my side. I need his arms around me doing what he does best, which is making me feel safe and letting me know how much he loves me. I need him telling me everyday that he will still think that I am beautiful through the chemo, and that he will still love me when I am sick and weak. I wait until I am alone to cry, and I am not much comfort. I guess I need a bigger pillow.

Pace and wait, pace and wait......surely the phone will ring soon...at least HALF of this panic has to be comforted, right?

Now CANCER!?!?!?!

My mother died of breast cancer.

When I think of the three worst things that could happen to me personally at this stage in my life, they are:
Losing one of my children
Losing my husband (not necessarily in that order, but I had to put something first)
Fighting cancer

I was devastated when my husband was redeployed. If you are reading this, you have read the whining. Now a routine checkup reveals that I have breast cancer. I watched my mother die, and now I feel like I am dying inside. All of this at once. I feel very much alone even though everyone keeps telling me that I am not. I am the only one that will be feeling the pain....

I am terrified.

Someone gave me his poem, and I am going to think about it:

What Cancer Cannot Do

Cancer is so limited...
It cannot cripple love
It cannot shatter hope
It cannot corrode faith
It cannot destroy peace
It cannot kill friendship
It cannot suppress memories
It cannot silence courage
It cannot invade the soul
It cannot steal eternal life
It cannot conquer the spirit.

We will see...we will see.....