Well, the halfway point as come and gone with the nasty chemo treatments, and I am onto the four rounds of the "red devil". I took my first dose of that last Wednesday and the worst result of that is the overwhelming fatigue and the water retention. I am supposed to keep my feet up all the time, but I have very little tolerance or time for that. The water seems to like to creep up towards my heart if I stay on my feet for too long and I guess that seems to be bad....
Anyway, this last appointment gave us the results of the genetics test. Our crazy family has so much cancer in it that the genetics specialist has been very excited to get these results back. All three girls, my dad, and my sister went with me and my dad tried to take careful notes. Of course they decided to make this appointment RIGHT after I took my chemo so his notes could be awful and I would have no idea! (just kidding)
It seems that it is possible to test for up to ten genes for hereditary cancer, and they could test for the the first two this time-the now famous BRCA1 and BRCA2 which have been making so many headlines these days. They started with these because they are the two that are the most common to be associated with breast and ovarian cancer that runs so rampant in my family. Genetic testing is complex and expensive because there are hundreds of possible mutations to look for. Also, even if a mutation is found it does not mean that a person will certainly develop breast cancer – only that they have a higher risk of the disease. ANYWAY- BRCA1 and BRCA2 are a NO in my wacky code. Big shock because why should I be normal? My doctor was not sad or upset. I might judge his reaction as carefully controlled delight if I did not know better. In fact, he decided that he wanted to recommend our family for ANOTHER study. By this I mean our WHOLE family. I had a feeling this would happen. He is kind of a lab rat himself, and this is a great chance for him-haha.
The study would make it possible for many members of our family to be tested- not only sisters, brother, daughters, but also aunts, cousins, etc to see just what was going on. The crazy thing is, the more I find out, the more at peace with this I get. I am waiting right now to find out if we meet all the criteria, but I have no doubt that we will.
Right now I am sick, I am tired, and I am about to be weepy, but if you are on this list you have been going through this journey with me so you understand. Everything from the beginning of this, from it happening after generations of death from it, to it happening while my husband is deployed has felt like a slap in the face only to have it be revealed as a necessary step in the path forward later on. I realize this sounds preachy, and I do not mean to, but between the medicinal studies that we are getting to do and now this one, I cannot see any other way to fix this issue except for someone to have to dive in the muck and get their hands dirty. Since I am the liberal thinking vegetarian, it might as well be me-.
So three more chemos to go and then the surgery and testing in-between is where we stand now. Thank you everyone for the calls, the meals, the cleaning, the driving lessons for Daughter Two (Dad with his life in his hands), and all the things my currently addled brain cannot type right now. Again, things like this bring out the best in people. Some of the best are in my own family, and three of the very best are in my house. My girls do laundry, go to the grocery store, pick up, walk the dogs, and they insist in sleeping in my room and watching over me at night. They have truly learned sacrifice like no other lesson could have taught. I am proud to have an 18-year old that gave up everything that she has worked her entire school career for to stay with her sisters so they would not have to care for me alone despite all my many tears and protests. She put off her scholarships for an entire year and is going to school locally. My mom always emphasized family first, so I guess the good genes got passed down too, and the girls make her proud!
Wednesday, August 6, 2008
Sunday, August 3, 2008
love is all over the place
lately i've been glaring into mirrors
picking myself apart
you'd think at my age
i'd of thoughtof something better to do
than making insecurity into a full-time job
making insecurity into art
and i fear my life will be over
and i will have never lived unfettered
always glaring into mirrors
mad i don't look better
so i'm beginning to see some problems
with the ongoing work of my mind
and i've got myself a new mantra
it says: "don't forget to have a good time"
don't let the sellers of stuff power enough
to rob you of your grace
love is all over the place
there's nothing wrong with your face
love is all over the place "
picking myself apart
you'd think at my age
i'd of thoughtof something better to do
than making insecurity into a full-time job
making insecurity into art
and i fear my life will be over
and i will have never lived unfettered
always glaring into mirrors
mad i don't look better
so i'm beginning to see some problems
with the ongoing work of my mind
and i've got myself a new mantra
it says: "don't forget to have a good time"
don't let the sellers of stuff power enough
to rob you of your grace
love is all over the place
there's nothing wrong with your face
love is all over the place "
The Inspiration
Sometimes it's hard to know what to write about, but you know that you have to write something. I would like to do better- it's some kind of therapy and life is so funny, sweet, sad and crazy.
As I began to write about something else entirely this week, a picture that I recently hung in my house caught my eye. It's from WWII, and it's a saying that was on the posters for the English citizens that they saw as they were headed to the bomb shelters. While this sounds morbid, I find it extremely motivational for the situation that I find myself currently in: "Keep Calm and Carry On."
I have discovered that I have learned something throughout this cancer and deployment journey. ANOTHER thing, if that can be believed. Sometimes panic is overrated. If we wait it out, and ride the tide, things settle down for themselves. Many times life throws the curve balls to us but then we try to see what WILL happen to fix it. I am learning to just wait and see how it will work out. This is a very hard lesson for me. I have always been one to try and predict things, fix them, have a plan....not lately.
I look back and so many things and so many doorways have opened unexpectedly on this journey. Had I panicked, and reacted- NOT stayed the course, that would never have been. I have at LEAST a dozen new friends that will be my friends forever now. My family is closer. My husband and I are more distant in proximity but closer in spirit. My initial reaction sometimes is still to scream and cry and throw a temper tantrum at my circumstances, instead of to look at where I am.
A bad diagnosis? Not feeling well? Haven't heard from my soldier? There is the wall- I look-
I just look at my poster and smile. "Keep Calm and Carry On." It's perfect. I'm glad I can look at that tomorrow. Things are different tomorrow.
As I began to write about something else entirely this week, a picture that I recently hung in my house caught my eye. It's from WWII, and it's a saying that was on the posters for the English citizens that they saw as they were headed to the bomb shelters. While this sounds morbid, I find it extremely motivational for the situation that I find myself currently in: "Keep Calm and Carry On."
I have discovered that I have learned something throughout this cancer and deployment journey. ANOTHER thing, if that can be believed. Sometimes panic is overrated. If we wait it out, and ride the tide, things settle down for themselves. Many times life throws the curve balls to us but then we try to see what WILL happen to fix it. I am learning to just wait and see how it will work out. This is a very hard lesson for me. I have always been one to try and predict things, fix them, have a plan....not lately.
I look back and so many things and so many doorways have opened unexpectedly on this journey. Had I panicked, and reacted- NOT stayed the course, that would never have been. I have at LEAST a dozen new friends that will be my friends forever now. My family is closer. My husband and I are more distant in proximity but closer in spirit. My initial reaction sometimes is still to scream and cry and throw a temper tantrum at my circumstances, instead of to look at where I am.
A bad diagnosis? Not feeling well? Haven't heard from my soldier? There is the wall- I look-
I just look at my poster and smile. "Keep Calm and Carry On." It's perfect. I'm glad I can look at that tomorrow. Things are different tomorrow.
Thursday, July 17, 2008
Don't Go There 'Til You Get There
“Don’t Go There ‘Til You Get There”. What a load of crap. My whole life has been spent worrying about what might happen. So I am reading this very odd book- this book that seems to have been left for me. I cannot escape it. Four times it has been left. I have found it four times, in mysterious places, when no one knows where it came from. To me that means pick up the damn thing and see what’s in it. Creepy.
Anyway, this silly message that is against what I tend to practice is in the book. I TRY to be a laid back person, but the funniest part of us “Type A” personalities is that we CANNOT relax and NOT worry about things. We feel as if it’s our job to forsee everything that might happen and prevent it and protect everyone and everything. I got more and more into the reading and it’s a funny, wonderful story of a husband and wife dealing with a disease….hhhmmmm…..It’s about different ways that they cope. I might love it. I wonder why I have it. Maybe I need to worry about that???
I was thinking about this phrase, “Don’t Go There ‘Til You Get There” and it was really bugging me. EATING at me. Since I do not sleep, about 2 am it hit me and I was struck with a fit of laughter. I could worry about several things- war, disease, death….I have been hit with all of these things. None of them are funny, but what the hell am I worried about. I know it can get worse, but I also know that sometimes the things that I have worried about have never happened. What a waste of energy. Usually these lessons that I am taught are fleeting and I have to be somewhat beaten over the head with them, but for now at least I can be amused and astounded. I wonder how the story ends?
Also, how did this book get here? There I go- worrying again. Time to read.
Anyway, this silly message that is against what I tend to practice is in the book. I TRY to be a laid back person, but the funniest part of us “Type A” personalities is that we CANNOT relax and NOT worry about things. We feel as if it’s our job to forsee everything that might happen and prevent it and protect everyone and everything. I got more and more into the reading and it’s a funny, wonderful story of a husband and wife dealing with a disease….hhhmmmm…..It’s about different ways that they cope. I might love it. I wonder why I have it. Maybe I need to worry about that???
I was thinking about this phrase, “Don’t Go There ‘Til You Get There” and it was really bugging me. EATING at me. Since I do not sleep, about 2 am it hit me and I was struck with a fit of laughter. I could worry about several things- war, disease, death….I have been hit with all of these things. None of them are funny, but what the hell am I worried about. I know it can get worse, but I also know that sometimes the things that I have worried about have never happened. What a waste of energy. Usually these lessons that I am taught are fleeting and I have to be somewhat beaten over the head with them, but for now at least I can be amused and astounded. I wonder how the story ends?
Also, how did this book get here? There I go- worrying again. Time to read.
Saturday, July 12, 2008
What Is Beauty?
I have to wonder if sometimes things like cancer or war or other types of devastation are caused so we can see true beauty. Or at least see true beauty in others. Don't get me wrong- I am in no way saying that I am so beautiful, but sometimes an outsider can look inside us and see past our walls and be inspired. In the past three months I have learned more than perhaps my whole life could have taught me, but maybe this was one of the biggest lessons.
I began thinking about the meaning of beauty when I went to a meeting for a company that I do some contract design work for last week. I was coming from my latest round of chemo, and was waiting for it the "fog" to hit. One of the women in the meeting, who barely knew me, was having a bad day. Suddenly she looked at me and told me that I had the most beautiful hair that she had ever seen. I thought she might have been kidding until I realized that she was very self-absorbed and had no idea how bad I was feeling and just started looking at me and then moved on in her thinking. That was all she saw. She didn't realize that I was barely standing up, that I was trying not to vomit, or that I was needing to leave. I guess later on I realized I how bad my skin was looking so my "hair" looked better! When I left, another women, again one that I barely knew, seemed to be moved. She saw my plethora of cancer bracelets (I wear one that everyone has given me for support). She was touched by something she saw inside as well. This women was pulled by an inner beauty inside herself and wanted to do something to help. The first women began to complain about her day almost as soon as I left. The second said," Hey, we have nothing to complain about. Allie is working, her husband is gone, and she didn't utter a word that was negative. We need to follow her example. Didn't you notice the bracelets?" After a few phone calls they figured out what was going on. The next call that I received was an offer from these women to bring me a meal and a hug. The first woman, who had complimented my hair, actually gave me an apology! I was floored. She had made me feel so good, but she had felt so superficial for not seeing what was inside and the struggle that I was having. She turned her day around, and was smiling when I saw her. She began to look for a way to help me, and both of them glowed from the inside. These women showed me what true beauty was. I would never have thought less of them for doing nothing, but when they did I was so grateful.
I was so blessed to have these two in my life that day. They taught me something so important. They taught me to look deeper. Look once, look again, then act. Then pay it forward. I have tried to teach my kids that for every act of kindness we are given that we need to give one to someone in return to someone as well. It might not be the same person that we got it from, but that's ok. Is that what all of this horror is for? Maybe. Maybe that's what my husband is fighting for. Imagine how different things would be over there. Just looking for the beauty in all things is not so hard. It takes an extra second, and it can change a whole perspective. In fact, it can change your life. Is she trying extra hard on the outside because her heart is breaking? Does this one need a kind word, or a card in the mail? Just look for how you can paint the world. Maybe you can help to bring the soldiers home. Maybe you are the cure. You never know!!
I began thinking about the meaning of beauty when I went to a meeting for a company that I do some contract design work for last week. I was coming from my latest round of chemo, and was waiting for it the "fog" to hit. One of the women in the meeting, who barely knew me, was having a bad day. Suddenly she looked at me and told me that I had the most beautiful hair that she had ever seen. I thought she might have been kidding until I realized that she was very self-absorbed and had no idea how bad I was feeling and just started looking at me and then moved on in her thinking. That was all she saw. She didn't realize that I was barely standing up, that I was trying not to vomit, or that I was needing to leave. I guess later on I realized I how bad my skin was looking so my "hair" looked better! When I left, another women, again one that I barely knew, seemed to be moved. She saw my plethora of cancer bracelets (I wear one that everyone has given me for support). She was touched by something she saw inside as well. This women was pulled by an inner beauty inside herself and wanted to do something to help. The first women began to complain about her day almost as soon as I left. The second said," Hey, we have nothing to complain about. Allie is working, her husband is gone, and she didn't utter a word that was negative. We need to follow her example. Didn't you notice the bracelets?" After a few phone calls they figured out what was going on. The next call that I received was an offer from these women to bring me a meal and a hug. The first woman, who had complimented my hair, actually gave me an apology! I was floored. She had made me feel so good, but she had felt so superficial for not seeing what was inside and the struggle that I was having. She turned her day around, and was smiling when I saw her. She began to look for a way to help me, and both of them glowed from the inside. These women showed me what true beauty was. I would never have thought less of them for doing nothing, but when they did I was so grateful.
I was so blessed to have these two in my life that day. They taught me something so important. They taught me to look deeper. Look once, look again, then act. Then pay it forward. I have tried to teach my kids that for every act of kindness we are given that we need to give one to someone in return to someone as well. It might not be the same person that we got it from, but that's ok. Is that what all of this horror is for? Maybe. Maybe that's what my husband is fighting for. Imagine how different things would be over there. Just looking for the beauty in all things is not so hard. It takes an extra second, and it can change a whole perspective. In fact, it can change your life. Is she trying extra hard on the outside because her heart is breaking? Does this one need a kind word, or a card in the mail? Just look for how you can paint the world. Maybe you can help to bring the soldiers home. Maybe you are the cure. You never know!!
Friday, July 4, 2008
How I Feel
WORD OF WARNING...This will not be the most uplifting update.
This is REAL. Cancer is real. I'm still going through it. I have cancer. There, I said it. As I may have been positive throughout my diagnosis, chemo, etc.. and for the most part I still am, there's no denying that it's not the most pleasant experience in the world - physically and psychologically.
My panic attacks from years ago are starting to creep back into my life. Sure it's no wonder, but I wish they would just stop. My blood counts are incredibly low which makes me feel even more terrible. Those are the days I can't function, feel dizzy, can't think straight and can barely get out of bed. Oh yeah, and food tastes like metal - or has no taste at all. The things I enjoy I can barely enjoy anymore. Hopefully in the next few months that will get better.
I've been a bit more depressed, a lot more anxious, and a lot more isolated. For some strange reason (and I've finally opened up about this to other cancer patients) people just disappear. Don't know why. No one does really. This seems to be the norm in a lot of cases and I know I'm not alone in this regard. Maybe people think they don't want to bother me? But this is the time I could use a friendly face or a phone call. I'm here in my house, with chemo, no place to really go and sitting alone with my thoughts while life is happening around me and there's nothing I can do about it. Can't travel right now, can't go to the movies, can't even walk around the block sometimes. What a waste of a summer.. and I feel bad that my kids are stuck in the same position simply because of me.
I'm not trying to guilt anyone here. Really I'm not. If anything I'm embarrassed. But here I am, and I'm not going anywhere... and if anyone would like to reach out, please do so. There's no good way for me to ask this. If for some reason I'm not feeling well or I'm sleeping, I simply won't answer the phone. But otherwise, it's nice to hear people's voices or see their faces once in awhile. It really can uplift the spirit a bit knowing that people are around somewhere. On that note... as a reminder I know I am an extremely strong woman, have been through a lot in my life and I will get through this. But even the strong ones admit they need some reassurance once in awhile... and we all have our bad days. I'm human, even though I do not feel like it, or even look like it. I AM human- right? Are you there? Hello?
This is REAL. Cancer is real. I'm still going through it. I have cancer. There, I said it. As I may have been positive throughout my diagnosis, chemo, etc.. and for the most part I still am, there's no denying that it's not the most pleasant experience in the world - physically and psychologically.
My panic attacks from years ago are starting to creep back into my life. Sure it's no wonder, but I wish they would just stop. My blood counts are incredibly low which makes me feel even more terrible. Those are the days I can't function, feel dizzy, can't think straight and can barely get out of bed. Oh yeah, and food tastes like metal - or has no taste at all. The things I enjoy I can barely enjoy anymore. Hopefully in the next few months that will get better.
I've been a bit more depressed, a lot more anxious, and a lot more isolated. For some strange reason (and I've finally opened up about this to other cancer patients) people just disappear. Don't know why. No one does really. This seems to be the norm in a lot of cases and I know I'm not alone in this regard. Maybe people think they don't want to bother me? But this is the time I could use a friendly face or a phone call. I'm here in my house, with chemo, no place to really go and sitting alone with my thoughts while life is happening around me and there's nothing I can do about it. Can't travel right now, can't go to the movies, can't even walk around the block sometimes. What a waste of a summer.. and I feel bad that my kids are stuck in the same position simply because of me.
I'm not trying to guilt anyone here. Really I'm not. If anything I'm embarrassed. But here I am, and I'm not going anywhere... and if anyone would like to reach out, please do so. There's no good way for me to ask this. If for some reason I'm not feeling well or I'm sleeping, I simply won't answer the phone. But otherwise, it's nice to hear people's voices or see their faces once in awhile. It really can uplift the spirit a bit knowing that people are around somewhere. On that note... as a reminder I know I am an extremely strong woman, have been through a lot in my life and I will get through this. But even the strong ones admit they need some reassurance once in awhile... and we all have our bad days. I'm human, even though I do not feel like it, or even look like it. I AM human- right? Are you there? Hello?
Proud of My Country
I will still be proud of what my country wants to be. I know what it wants to be despite what it keeps falling into. Throught history, we fall into holes, and pull our way out. The first time this happened, when we decided who we were, we wrote a document. It is amazing how timeless it is. There was fighting, and many discussions over what should have been included in this document. Thomas Jefferson and John Adams argued over giving freedom to all men and women and abolishing slavery at the time it was written. They regretted until their deaths that this was not included, and it took a whole new war to make that happen, but we are all Americans, and we are all free. This document was the first of many- it was the first stand. It took months to complete it, and it still reads strong today. Put it in the current political situation and give it a shake:
Text of The Declaration of Independence - 1776In CONGRESS, July 4, 1776.
The unanimous Declaration of the thirteen united States of America,
When in the Course of human events, it becomes necessary for one people to dissolve the political bands which have connected them with another, and to assume among the powers of the earth, the separate and equal station to which the Laws of Nature and of Nature's God entitle them, a decent respect to the opinions of mankind requires that they should declare the causes which impel them to the separation.We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal, that they are endowed by their Creator with certain unalienable Rights, that among these are Life, Liberty and the pursuit of Happiness. -- That to secure these rights, Governments are instituted among Men, deriving their just powers from the consent of the governed, -- That whenever any Form of Government becomes destructive of these ends, it is the Right of the People to alter or to abolish it, and to institute new Government, laying its foundation on such principles and organizing its powers in such form, as to them shall seem most likely to effect their Safety and Happiness. Prudence, indeed, will dictate that Governments long established should not be changed for light and transient causes; and accordingly all experience hath shewn, that mankind are more disposed to suffer, while evils are sufferable, than to right themselves by abolishing the forms to which they are accustomed. But when a long train of abuses and usurpations, pursuing invariably the same Object evinces a design to reduce them under absolute Despotism, it is their right, it is their duty, to throw off such Government, and to provide new Guards for their future security. -- Such has been the patient sufferance of these Colonies; and such is now the necessity which constrains them to alter their former Systems of Government. The history of the present King of Great Britain is a history of repeated injuries and usurpations, all having in direct object the establishment of an absolute Tyranny over these States. To prove this, let Facts be submitted to a candid world.
He has refused his Assent to Laws, the most wholesome and necessary for the public good.
He has forbidden his Governors to pass Laws of immediate and pressing importance, unless suspended in their operation till his Assent should be obtained; and when so suspended, he has utterly neglected to attend to them.
He has refused to pass other Laws for the accommodation of large districts of people, unless those people would relinquish the right of Representation in the Legislature, a right inestimable to them and formidable to tyrants only.
He has called together legislative bodies at places unusual, uncomfortable, and distant from the depository of their public Records, for the sole purpose of fatiguing them into compliance with his measures.He has dissolved Representative Houses repeatedly, for opposing with manly firmness his invasions on the rights of the people.
He has refused for a long time, after such dissolutions, to cause others to be elected; whereby the Legislative powers, incapable of Annihilation, have returned to the People at large for their exercise; the State remaining in the mean time exposed to all the dangers of invasion from without, and convulsions within.
He has endeavoured to prevent the population of these States; for that purpose obstructing the Laws for Naturalization of Foreigners; refusing to pass others to encourage their migrations hither, and raising the conditions of new Appropriations of Lands.
He has obstructed the Administration of Justice, by refusing his Assent to Laws for establishing Judiciary powers.
He has made Judges dependent on his Will alone, for the tenure of their offices, and the amount and payment of their salaries.He has erected a multitude of New Offices, and sent hither swarms of Officers to harrass our people, and eat out their substance.
He has kept among us, in times of peace, Standing Armies without the Consent of our legislatures.
He has affected to render the Military independent of and superior to the Civil power.
He has combined with others to subject us to a jurisdiction foreign to our constitution, and unacknowledged by our laws; giving his Assent to their Acts of pretended Legislation:For Quartering large bodies of armed troops among us:For protecting them, by a mock Trial, from punishment for any Murders which they should commit on the Inhabitants of these States:For cutting off our Trade with all parts of the world:For imposing Taxes on us without our Consent:For depriving us in many cases, of the benefits of Trial by Jury:For transporting us beyond Seas to be tried for pretended offencesFor abolishing the free System of English Laws in a neighbouring Province, establishing therein an Arbitrary government, and enlarging its Boundaries so as to render it at once an example and fit instrument for introducing the same absolute rule into these Colonies:For taking away our Charters, abolishing our most valuable Laws, and altering fundamentally the Forms of our Governments:For suspending our own Legislatures, and declaring themselves invested with power to legislate for us in all cases whatsoever.
He has abdicated Government here, by declaring us out of his Protection and waging War against us.
He has plundered our seas, ravaged our Coasts, burnt our towns, and destroyed the lives of our people.He is at this time transporting large Armies of foreign Mercenaries to compleat the works of death, desolation and tyranny, already begun with circumstances of Cruelty & perfidy scarcely paralleled in the most barbarous ages, and totally unworthy the Head of a civilized nation.
He has constrained our fellow Citizens taken Captive on the high Seas to bear Arms against their Country, to become the executioners of their friends and Brethren, or to fall themselves by their Hands.
He has excited domestic insurrections amongst us, and has endeavoured to bring on the inhabitants of our frontiers, the merciless Indian Savages, whose known rule of warfare, is an undistinguished destruction of all ages, sexes and conditions.In every stage of these Oppressions We have Petitioned for Redress in the most humble terms: Our repeated Petitions have been answered only by repeated injury. A Prince whose character is thus marked by every act which may define a Tyrant, is unfit to be the ruler of a free people.Nor have We been wanting in attentions to our British brethren. We have warned them from time to time of attempts by their legislature to extend an unwarrantable jurisdiction over us. We have reminded them of the circumstances of our emigration and settlement here. We have appealed to their native justice and magnanimity, and we have conjured them by the ties of our common kindred to disavow these usurpations, which, would inevitably interrupt our connections and correspondence. They too have been deaf to the voice of justice and of consanguinity. We must, therefore, acquiesce in the necessity, which denounces our Separation, and hold them, as we hold the rest of mankind, Enemies in War, in Peace Friends.We, therefore, the Representatives of the united States of America, in General Congress, Assembled, appealing to the Supreme Judge of the world for the rectitude of our intentions, do, in the Name, and by Authority of the good People of these Colonies, solemnly publish and declare, That these United Colonies are, and of Right ought to be Free and Independent States; that they are Absolved from all Allegiance to the British Crown, and that all political connection between them and the State of Great Britain, is and ought to be totally dissolved; and that as Free and Independent States, they have full Power to levy War, conclude Peace, contract Alliances, establish Commerce, and to do all other Acts and Things which Independent States may of right do. And for the support of this Declaration, with a firm reliance on the protection of divine Providence, we mutually pledge to each other our Lives, our Fortunes and our sacred Honor.
Button Gwinnett
Lyman Hall
George Walton
William Hooper
Joseph Hewes
John Penn
Edward Rutledge
Thomas Heyward, Jr.
Thomas Lynch,Jr.
Arthur Middleton
John Hancock
Samuel Chase
William Paca
Thomas Stone
Charles Carrollof Carrollton
George Wythe
Richard Henry Lee
Thomas Jefferson
Benjamin Harrison
Thomas Nelson, Jr.
Francis Lightfoot
LeeCarter Braxton
Robert Morris
Benjamin Rush
Benjamin Franklin
John Morton
George Clymer
James Smith
George Taylor
James Wilson
George Ross
Caesar Rodney
George Read
Thomas McKean
William Floyd
Philip Livingston
Francis Lewis
Lewis Morris
Richard Stockton
John Witherspoon
Francis Hopkinson
John Hart
Abraham Clark
Josiah Bartlett
William Whipple
Samuel Adams
John Adams
Robert Treat Paine
Elbridge Gerry
Stephen Hopkins
William Ellery
Roger Sherman
Samuel Huntington
William Williams
Oliver Wolcott
Matthew ThorntonWheeler
Text of The Declaration of Independence - 1776In CONGRESS, July 4, 1776.
The unanimous Declaration of the thirteen united States of America,
When in the Course of human events, it becomes necessary for one people to dissolve the political bands which have connected them with another, and to assume among the powers of the earth, the separate and equal station to which the Laws of Nature and of Nature's God entitle them, a decent respect to the opinions of mankind requires that they should declare the causes which impel them to the separation.We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal, that they are endowed by their Creator with certain unalienable Rights, that among these are Life, Liberty and the pursuit of Happiness. -- That to secure these rights, Governments are instituted among Men, deriving their just powers from the consent of the governed, -- That whenever any Form of Government becomes destructive of these ends, it is the Right of the People to alter or to abolish it, and to institute new Government, laying its foundation on such principles and organizing its powers in such form, as to them shall seem most likely to effect their Safety and Happiness. Prudence, indeed, will dictate that Governments long established should not be changed for light and transient causes; and accordingly all experience hath shewn, that mankind are more disposed to suffer, while evils are sufferable, than to right themselves by abolishing the forms to which they are accustomed. But when a long train of abuses and usurpations, pursuing invariably the same Object evinces a design to reduce them under absolute Despotism, it is their right, it is their duty, to throw off such Government, and to provide new Guards for their future security. -- Such has been the patient sufferance of these Colonies; and such is now the necessity which constrains them to alter their former Systems of Government. The history of the present King of Great Britain is a history of repeated injuries and usurpations, all having in direct object the establishment of an absolute Tyranny over these States. To prove this, let Facts be submitted to a candid world.
He has refused his Assent to Laws, the most wholesome and necessary for the public good.
He has forbidden his Governors to pass Laws of immediate and pressing importance, unless suspended in their operation till his Assent should be obtained; and when so suspended, he has utterly neglected to attend to them.
He has refused to pass other Laws for the accommodation of large districts of people, unless those people would relinquish the right of Representation in the Legislature, a right inestimable to them and formidable to tyrants only.
He has called together legislative bodies at places unusual, uncomfortable, and distant from the depository of their public Records, for the sole purpose of fatiguing them into compliance with his measures.He has dissolved Representative Houses repeatedly, for opposing with manly firmness his invasions on the rights of the people.
He has refused for a long time, after such dissolutions, to cause others to be elected; whereby the Legislative powers, incapable of Annihilation, have returned to the People at large for their exercise; the State remaining in the mean time exposed to all the dangers of invasion from without, and convulsions within.
He has endeavoured to prevent the population of these States; for that purpose obstructing the Laws for Naturalization of Foreigners; refusing to pass others to encourage their migrations hither, and raising the conditions of new Appropriations of Lands.
He has obstructed the Administration of Justice, by refusing his Assent to Laws for establishing Judiciary powers.
He has made Judges dependent on his Will alone, for the tenure of their offices, and the amount and payment of their salaries.He has erected a multitude of New Offices, and sent hither swarms of Officers to harrass our people, and eat out their substance.
He has kept among us, in times of peace, Standing Armies without the Consent of our legislatures.
He has affected to render the Military independent of and superior to the Civil power.
He has combined with others to subject us to a jurisdiction foreign to our constitution, and unacknowledged by our laws; giving his Assent to their Acts of pretended Legislation:For Quartering large bodies of armed troops among us:For protecting them, by a mock Trial, from punishment for any Murders which they should commit on the Inhabitants of these States:For cutting off our Trade with all parts of the world:For imposing Taxes on us without our Consent:For depriving us in many cases, of the benefits of Trial by Jury:For transporting us beyond Seas to be tried for pretended offencesFor abolishing the free System of English Laws in a neighbouring Province, establishing therein an Arbitrary government, and enlarging its Boundaries so as to render it at once an example and fit instrument for introducing the same absolute rule into these Colonies:For taking away our Charters, abolishing our most valuable Laws, and altering fundamentally the Forms of our Governments:For suspending our own Legislatures, and declaring themselves invested with power to legislate for us in all cases whatsoever.
He has abdicated Government here, by declaring us out of his Protection and waging War against us.
He has plundered our seas, ravaged our Coasts, burnt our towns, and destroyed the lives of our people.He is at this time transporting large Armies of foreign Mercenaries to compleat the works of death, desolation and tyranny, already begun with circumstances of Cruelty & perfidy scarcely paralleled in the most barbarous ages, and totally unworthy the Head of a civilized nation.
He has constrained our fellow Citizens taken Captive on the high Seas to bear Arms against their Country, to become the executioners of their friends and Brethren, or to fall themselves by their Hands.
He has excited domestic insurrections amongst us, and has endeavoured to bring on the inhabitants of our frontiers, the merciless Indian Savages, whose known rule of warfare, is an undistinguished destruction of all ages, sexes and conditions.In every stage of these Oppressions We have Petitioned for Redress in the most humble terms: Our repeated Petitions have been answered only by repeated injury. A Prince whose character is thus marked by every act which may define a Tyrant, is unfit to be the ruler of a free people.Nor have We been wanting in attentions to our British brethren. We have warned them from time to time of attempts by their legislature to extend an unwarrantable jurisdiction over us. We have reminded them of the circumstances of our emigration and settlement here. We have appealed to their native justice and magnanimity, and we have conjured them by the ties of our common kindred to disavow these usurpations, which, would inevitably interrupt our connections and correspondence. They too have been deaf to the voice of justice and of consanguinity. We must, therefore, acquiesce in the necessity, which denounces our Separation, and hold them, as we hold the rest of mankind, Enemies in War, in Peace Friends.We, therefore, the Representatives of the united States of America, in General Congress, Assembled, appealing to the Supreme Judge of the world for the rectitude of our intentions, do, in the Name, and by Authority of the good People of these Colonies, solemnly publish and declare, That these United Colonies are, and of Right ought to be Free and Independent States; that they are Absolved from all Allegiance to the British Crown, and that all political connection between them and the State of Great Britain, is and ought to be totally dissolved; and that as Free and Independent States, they have full Power to levy War, conclude Peace, contract Alliances, establish Commerce, and to do all other Acts and Things which Independent States may of right do. And for the support of this Declaration, with a firm reliance on the protection of divine Providence, we mutually pledge to each other our Lives, our Fortunes and our sacred Honor.
Button Gwinnett
Lyman Hall
George Walton
William Hooper
Joseph Hewes
John Penn
Edward Rutledge
Thomas Heyward, Jr.
Thomas Lynch,Jr.
Arthur Middleton
John Hancock
Samuel Chase
William Paca
Thomas Stone
Charles Carrollof Carrollton
George Wythe
Richard Henry Lee
Thomas Jefferson
Benjamin Harrison
Thomas Nelson, Jr.
Francis Lightfoot
LeeCarter Braxton
Robert Morris
Benjamin Rush
Benjamin Franklin
John Morton
George Clymer
James Smith
George Taylor
James Wilson
George Ross
Caesar Rodney
George Read
Thomas McKean
William Floyd
Philip Livingston
Francis Lewis
Lewis Morris
Richard Stockton
John Witherspoon
Francis Hopkinson
John Hart
Abraham Clark
Josiah Bartlett
William Whipple
Samuel Adams
John Adams
Robert Treat Paine
Elbridge Gerry
Stephen Hopkins
William Ellery
Roger Sherman
Samuel Huntington
William Williams
Oliver Wolcott
Matthew ThorntonWheeler
Monday, June 23, 2008
Take My Medicine
Take my medicine.
That’s what they keep telling me to do. The doctors and researchers keep coming up with new and different ways to cure us for all kinds of terrible illnesses. I think I probably have 12 different prescriptions lined up on my bathroom counter and then some more in the kitchen, all waiting for the perfect time of day, or for the alarm to go off to remind me to take them. I even have some more in the baggie in my purse in case I am not at home at the right time.
This last round of chemo was by far the very worst. Of course, I only have three to go on so that sounds like an odd comparison, but nonetheless, it’s the truth. I went on Wednesday and by Saturday I was DOWN. I mean in the bed the rest of the weekend. It was possibly the worst feeling in the world, and I can finally relate to what I was NOT feeling before now. The shower became a mortal enemy, and I am not sure if there were more tears or water going down the drain at the end.
I asked my girls to call for help, and they seemed to feel as if they could handle it. I was an emotional and physical wreck. Nothing was getting accomplished, and the lines were beginning to blur between mother and daughters. Then came Monday morning.
I knew I had to go into work no matter what, because I am out of vacation and sick days. My oldest Brown Eyed Girl had to drive me in, and there I sat. Finally, at the end of the day, I was able to come home and rest! Then it was time to learn my lesson about taking my REAL medicine.
Brown Eyes One and Two got home from their jobs early. On the way they had stopped for mini-containers of ice cream. When they got in, they brought me mine and one for Three, and we sat and ate. We talked. We talked about really stupid things and really important things. We laughed really hard and talked some more. I learned about a few things that I had missed while in my “chemo fog” and just some things that were fun about my girls.
I didn’t need to go to bed early or take any pills- I just needed them.
They knew. Somehow, they knew just what I needed. I needed the medicine that only they could give me. It will not leave me with a “hangover”, but hopefully it will leave me addicted. I hope they know how much it meant to me and how much I love them. I am energized, feeling no pain, and ready to face the world tomorrow! How many other people are so lucky?
That’s what they keep telling me to do. The doctors and researchers keep coming up with new and different ways to cure us for all kinds of terrible illnesses. I think I probably have 12 different prescriptions lined up on my bathroom counter and then some more in the kitchen, all waiting for the perfect time of day, or for the alarm to go off to remind me to take them. I even have some more in the baggie in my purse in case I am not at home at the right time.
This last round of chemo was by far the very worst. Of course, I only have three to go on so that sounds like an odd comparison, but nonetheless, it’s the truth. I went on Wednesday and by Saturday I was DOWN. I mean in the bed the rest of the weekend. It was possibly the worst feeling in the world, and I can finally relate to what I was NOT feeling before now. The shower became a mortal enemy, and I am not sure if there were more tears or water going down the drain at the end.
I asked my girls to call for help, and they seemed to feel as if they could handle it. I was an emotional and physical wreck. Nothing was getting accomplished, and the lines were beginning to blur between mother and daughters. Then came Monday morning.
I knew I had to go into work no matter what, because I am out of vacation and sick days. My oldest Brown Eyed Girl had to drive me in, and there I sat. Finally, at the end of the day, I was able to come home and rest! Then it was time to learn my lesson about taking my REAL medicine.
Brown Eyes One and Two got home from their jobs early. On the way they had stopped for mini-containers of ice cream. When they got in, they brought me mine and one for Three, and we sat and ate. We talked. We talked about really stupid things and really important things. We laughed really hard and talked some more. I learned about a few things that I had missed while in my “chemo fog” and just some things that were fun about my girls.
I didn’t need to go to bed early or take any pills- I just needed them.
They knew. Somehow, they knew just what I needed. I needed the medicine that only they could give me. It will not leave me with a “hangover”, but hopefully it will leave me addicted. I hope they know how much it meant to me and how much I love them. I am energized, feeling no pain, and ready to face the world tomorrow! How many other people are so lucky?
Sunday, June 15, 2008
My Alter-Ego
I AM SuperWoman, or so it seems. When my honey left the last time I shattered and we had a hard time when he got back. When he found out he had to go again this time we were both afraid. Not just for the war and all that entails, but for US. The emotional drama that separation brings is enough to drive anyone apart. Very few of the couples in his unit are still together from the last deployment, and we are holding on. I made my list of things to keep me busy, got my army of friends for support and prepared my heart. This time we made all kinds of rules, codewords, and tried to think of every scenario in advance. ALMOST every scenario.
So it was time for him to go. There is a story about a wife that saves up all her tears in a jar that he likes to tell me. He laughs and says that although our home is large, we might need to dig out a pool to hold them the way I cry at his departures. He does not even get to see the ones that I shed at night! Good thing I guess...
I started on my list of things to do, one at a time. Fix up the house, keep up with school...the BAM! CANCER???? Suddenly, everything was upside down. Now I was scared for him, I was scared for me. He was scared for me, he was scared for him. We were BOTH at war and needed each other's strength. But something else happened as well. All the things that I have been putting off began to come about. As I had sat there and mourned the departure of my love, I had become very good at letting things wait "one more day." Now I didn't do that.
I called my father who I had refused to speak to for years. He cried and called my siblings, who I also never made time for. Now he usually takes me to my chemo appointments, and he gets to see his grandchildren, which he never would have. He helps me with my house, and his new wife is getting to know me-and I am letting her. I am learning to forgive.
As tired as I am, some business partners came forward and said that the time was now to start a new adventure, and that they wanted to work around my doctor visits, and that I was the one that they needed to make it successful. As it stands now, I am out of sick days, vacation days, overtime, and any other days....It was truly a well-timed plan. I will have to work hard, but I know it's the right thing.
Another business partner offered me a contract to design on MY OWN TIME....they are willing to wait. UNHEARD OF. They also want to work around my doctor visits.
I am ripping through my Master's degree as fast as possible in order to get it done, but as I work, I look up and see my daughter at times. My youngest has these HUGE brown eyes. I know it's time to put down the books and sketches and ask her what she wants to do. She lights up like a candle. One day, while doing this, I realized that I had changed. I could not do everything, but I could do many things. I certainly could do, and was doing, more than sitting on the couch, watching TLC and filling that pool. Upon realizing this, out of the corner of my eye, I caught a flutter. It was my cape. I had finally earned it. My SuperWoman cape. Maybe I am starting to get this thing figured out, and it begins with the brown eyed girl in front of me.
Go, CancerGirl, go.
So it was time for him to go. There is a story about a wife that saves up all her tears in a jar that he likes to tell me. He laughs and says that although our home is large, we might need to dig out a pool to hold them the way I cry at his departures. He does not even get to see the ones that I shed at night! Good thing I guess...
I started on my list of things to do, one at a time. Fix up the house, keep up with school...the BAM! CANCER???? Suddenly, everything was upside down. Now I was scared for him, I was scared for me. He was scared for me, he was scared for him. We were BOTH at war and needed each other's strength. But something else happened as well. All the things that I have been putting off began to come about. As I had sat there and mourned the departure of my love, I had become very good at letting things wait "one more day." Now I didn't do that.
I called my father who I had refused to speak to for years. He cried and called my siblings, who I also never made time for. Now he usually takes me to my chemo appointments, and he gets to see his grandchildren, which he never would have. He helps me with my house, and his new wife is getting to know me-and I am letting her. I am learning to forgive.
As tired as I am, some business partners came forward and said that the time was now to start a new adventure, and that they wanted to work around my doctor visits, and that I was the one that they needed to make it successful. As it stands now, I am out of sick days, vacation days, overtime, and any other days....It was truly a well-timed plan. I will have to work hard, but I know it's the right thing.
Another business partner offered me a contract to design on MY OWN TIME....they are willing to wait. UNHEARD OF. They also want to work around my doctor visits.
I am ripping through my Master's degree as fast as possible in order to get it done, but as I work, I look up and see my daughter at times. My youngest has these HUGE brown eyes. I know it's time to put down the books and sketches and ask her what she wants to do. She lights up like a candle. One day, while doing this, I realized that I had changed. I could not do everything, but I could do many things. I certainly could do, and was doing, more than sitting on the couch, watching TLC and filling that pool. Upon realizing this, out of the corner of my eye, I caught a flutter. It was my cape. I had finally earned it. My SuperWoman cape. Maybe I am starting to get this thing figured out, and it begins with the brown eyed girl in front of me.
Go, CancerGirl, go.
Sunday, June 1, 2008
The Big 4-0
Next week I will be 40. The BIG 4-0. Today was a crazy, thoughtful day. On Friday I watched my oldest one graduate from high school, we discussed her scholarships (music major- oh I am SO proud) and I had a series of "Mom" moments.
"Mom" moments. You know what they are. They are the lovely feelings pride and sadness that come over you when you see your beautiful child do something wonderful that you have taught them to do, and they actually do it without your help. My 18-year old girl, standing there, getting handed her diploma in front of hundreds of people caused this. It started when I looked in the program and saw all of her accomplishments. All "A"'s all year. Presidential Award. Governer's Award.....on and on. Then it was finally her turn to be up there, and it was all I could do to stop myself from leaping over the crowd and screaming, "Wait! I'M not ready!" What was she doing growing up on me like this?
Then she saw me. She found me somehow in that crowd, and I knew it would be okay. My girl was still my girl, but she was a woman. She was probably the most grown up young lady out there in that sea of hundreds of light blue gowns. Her dad was at war for the third time, her mom with cancer, both grandmothers had cancer and one not surviving it....this girl was a fighter. She must have felt the "moment" coming on, because she winked and smiled. Yeah, she's ready.
I guess being 40 is going to mean nothing compared to this. Being 40 means that I have two more daughters that will someday be "ready" to face things. They will need me, but no more than I need them. We are a unit, the four of us. Maybe that's what the "4" in 40 stands for. Ten times the average.
"Mom" moments. You know what they are. They are the lovely feelings pride and sadness that come over you when you see your beautiful child do something wonderful that you have taught them to do, and they actually do it without your help. My 18-year old girl, standing there, getting handed her diploma in front of hundreds of people caused this. It started when I looked in the program and saw all of her accomplishments. All "A"'s all year. Presidential Award. Governer's Award.....on and on. Then it was finally her turn to be up there, and it was all I could do to stop myself from leaping over the crowd and screaming, "Wait! I'M not ready!" What was she doing growing up on me like this?
Then she saw me. She found me somehow in that crowd, and I knew it would be okay. My girl was still my girl, but she was a woman. She was probably the most grown up young lady out there in that sea of hundreds of light blue gowns. Her dad was at war for the third time, her mom with cancer, both grandmothers had cancer and one not surviving it....this girl was a fighter. She must have felt the "moment" coming on, because she winked and smiled. Yeah, she's ready.
I guess being 40 is going to mean nothing compared to this. Being 40 means that I have two more daughters that will someday be "ready" to face things. They will need me, but no more than I need them. We are a unit, the four of us. Maybe that's what the "4" in 40 stands for. Ten times the average.
Saturday, May 31, 2008
Staring Into Space
Things are worse in the desert now, says my husband, and I am trying to come out of the chemo funk. The first round I didn't know what to expect, but this time I am watching for things.....Day 1 this time I was tired, but I have still gone to work and tried to keep on as usual. I went Wednesday, and this is Saturday, and I am crashing BAD!
My husband finally called from the middle of one of his missions. It seems that they are getting shot at daily. The news is not reporting this of course, just that we are getting "control" of the situation. It is not helping what I am feeling and I am wondering what the pain pills are for- the aches or for missing him?
I am spaced out, dizzy, weepy, and tired. However, the good news is that the tumor, which was a MONSTER, has appeared to shrink after one round of chemo. This should NOT be the last thing that I mention, but the state of mind I am in causes me to scramble priorities.
Or maybe not. It's close to my heart- growing right on top in fact. My love, the other half of myself, is getting shot at daily, which is one in the same place. I guess I was talking about the same thing all along.
I need him to be home and safe-gggrrrrrrr.......when will this all end?
My husband finally called from the middle of one of his missions. It seems that they are getting shot at daily. The news is not reporting this of course, just that we are getting "control" of the situation. It is not helping what I am feeling and I am wondering what the pain pills are for- the aches or for missing him?
I am spaced out, dizzy, weepy, and tired. However, the good news is that the tumor, which was a MONSTER, has appeared to shrink after one round of chemo. This should NOT be the last thing that I mention, but the state of mind I am in causes me to scramble priorities.
Or maybe not. It's close to my heart- growing right on top in fact. My love, the other half of myself, is getting shot at daily, which is one in the same place. I guess I was talking about the same thing all along.
I need him to be home and safe-gggrrrrrrr.......when will this all end?
Thursday, May 22, 2008
The MOST wonderful day-Chunk Day
My hair started falling out today and it was one of the most wonderful days of my life. Way up there anyway. I mean the BIG chunks that are amazing and you cannot believe after you see all that is in the trash that you have any left on your head.
I was told by my oldest daughters band directors that she was getting a huge award at the school yesterday morning. I was told that I had to be there to surprise her and get some pictures, especially since her Dad is out of the country. She is graduating this year so I wanted to make sure that I did not miss it. When I got there, I was with my girls and my best friend Crystal, and my oldest walked with me from the counselor's office to the band room. When I got there and opened the door, I was met with TV crews, cameras, etc in my face, and applause. I was very confused until I managed to see past them, and then the tears flowed.
The entire room was decorated in pink as well as everyone in it. There were posters, balloons, flowers, candy, cards.....it was overwhelming. Mr. Carrier gave a speech about how we were all family and I needed support now, and then I received hugs from all the kids. It was the most amazing experience and one that will carry me through the entire treatment.
My mom is watching. That much is clear. I see it everywhere. She is helping, she is healing, she is moving pieces on the chessboard. I am so lucky and I think I am going to be fine....
Aaaahhh-the Fountain of Youth
I was told by my oldest daughters band directors that she was getting a huge award at the school yesterday morning. I was told that I had to be there to surprise her and get some pictures, especially since her Dad is out of the country. She is graduating this year so I wanted to make sure that I did not miss it. When I got there, I was with my girls and my best friend Crystal, and my oldest walked with me from the counselor's office to the band room. When I got there and opened the door, I was met with TV crews, cameras, etc in my face, and applause. I was very confused until I managed to see past them, and then the tears flowed.
The entire room was decorated in pink as well as everyone in it. There were posters, balloons, flowers, candy, cards.....it was overwhelming. Mr. Carrier gave a speech about how we were all family and I needed support now, and then I received hugs from all the kids. It was the most amazing experience and one that will carry me through the entire treatment.
My mom is watching. That much is clear. I see it everywhere. She is helping, she is healing, she is moving pieces on the chessboard. I am so lucky and I think I am going to be fine....
Aaaahhh-the Fountain of Youth
Saturday, May 17, 2008
Sur-Real? TV?
The newscast came out. I look different than I thought I would. I am going to attach it and see what the general consensus is. It tells more of the story than I can.
Monday, May 12, 2008
Lion Lady
Sometimes I seem to slip and forget who I really am. I am the granddaughter of high-ranking Native American heritage, and I need to remember that. My grandmother introduced me to my totem, and it was unusual. Generally, they are something that exists in North America naturally, but mine was not. A male lion has strength that is not found in most females, as well as a certain gentleness not found in the species. She was shocked at the time. I need to draw on this strength at this time with all that I have, and use the gifts that this partner bestows upon me.
Before I was diagnosed, I knew something was going to happen. The hawk was showing up over and over, and this is not their season around here. The hawk is a messenger, and I did not pursue it. I will not let this happen again.
Tonight I am going to look into myself and see what I need to do MY strengths, my ABILITIES, and using MY way, which the doctors may or may not know of. This can only enhance my treatment. Maybe cancer has messed with the wrong bitch.
You can only hold out your hand for so long looking for help before it simply falls from exhaustion.
Before I was diagnosed, I knew something was going to happen. The hawk was showing up over and over, and this is not their season around here. The hawk is a messenger, and I did not pursue it. I will not let this happen again.
Tonight I am going to look into myself and see what I need to do MY strengths, my ABILITIES, and using MY way, which the doctors may or may not know of. This can only enhance my treatment. Maybe cancer has messed with the wrong bitch.
You can only hold out your hand for so long looking for help before it simply falls from exhaustion.
Sunday, May 11, 2008
"Happy" Mother's Day
Happy Mother's Day! Since 2000, when my own best friend (and mother) passed away, I have always passed this day in tears. Today I did the same. I felt a lot of sadness, but of a different nature. I sat and cried, and cried some more. I was diagnosed in the same month as she passed away, and there are other parallels as well. Today in my worst of the pain, I knew she was crying with me. It has been years since I have allowed myself to feel so close to her, but today I let it go and she was waiting. I am not religious in that way, but I know she is there somewhere. That was the best gift I could have for Mother's Day. Whatever energy she left behind she gave to me for this fight.
I will win it for her, for my younger sisters, and my three daughters. I guess I needed to be reminded of the TaeKwonDo spirit. My daughters gave me such a great day- an indoor picnic, hugs, cards, and all the support I could ask for while I am feeling so rough. I just hope I gave her that much while she was here. I can make it up to her by winning just in case, right? She IS watching, after all....
Here's to you Kathleen Ann, my Mamacita- you were the GREATEST of all mothers. I miss you every day. You tried to win, but between the two of us, we WILL win!
I will win it for her, for my younger sisters, and my three daughters. I guess I needed to be reminded of the TaeKwonDo spirit. My daughters gave me such a great day- an indoor picnic, hugs, cards, and all the support I could ask for while I am feeling so rough. I just hope I gave her that much while she was here. I can make it up to her by winning just in case, right? She IS watching, after all....
Here's to you Kathleen Ann, my Mamacita- you were the GREATEST of all mothers. I miss you every day. You tried to win, but between the two of us, we WILL win!
Monday, April 21, 2008
Breakdown of the Week
He has been on a "mission" for several days, and I finally got one of the famous CALLS....it was at about 5:30 am and we got to speak for about 3 minutes. I feel so lost right now. He told me he would call back either late last night or today so I am right back in call panic again, worried that something has happened to prevent it. He said it would be dangerous.
Since THE diagnosis I have not gotten to really have a conversation with him. I NEED to. I am scared out of my mind, and cry at the drop of a hat. There is no one to share it with who really knows the true me. I keep putting on a brave front, but it creeps up at the strangest times. On top of call panic I have cancer panic and the phone rings and there is no one that I want to talk to but I have to play nice, because everyone is just being kind now. My life is a fantastic train wreck to watch. If I don't answer they e-mail and then there are THOSE to answer and all I want to do is hide in the bed and be left alone.
I am cracking and I know it. I feel like I have stepped out of myself and I am watching a movie of me. I try to be brave and say that there is a reason for this to happen, and that if I do a research study like they want me to maybe it will not be a waste and I can help someone. I can see the looks on the girls faces and I remember feeling the way that I know that they do when my mom had cancer, and I can't make it better. That's the worst part-I can't fix this for them.
She must have felt that way too and never told me. This ending will not be the same.
I need my partner here by my side. I need his arms around me doing what he does best, which is making me feel safe and letting me know how much he loves me. I need him telling me everyday that he will still think that I am beautiful through the chemo, and that he will still love me when I am sick and weak. I wait until I am alone to cry, and I am not much comfort. I guess I need a bigger pillow.
Pace and wait, pace and wait......surely the phone will ring soon...at least HALF of this panic has to be comforted, right?
Since THE diagnosis I have not gotten to really have a conversation with him. I NEED to. I am scared out of my mind, and cry at the drop of a hat. There is no one to share it with who really knows the true me. I keep putting on a brave front, but it creeps up at the strangest times. On top of call panic I have cancer panic and the phone rings and there is no one that I want to talk to but I have to play nice, because everyone is just being kind now. My life is a fantastic train wreck to watch. If I don't answer they e-mail and then there are THOSE to answer and all I want to do is hide in the bed and be left alone.
I am cracking and I know it. I feel like I have stepped out of myself and I am watching a movie of me. I try to be brave and say that there is a reason for this to happen, and that if I do a research study like they want me to maybe it will not be a waste and I can help someone. I can see the looks on the girls faces and I remember feeling the way that I know that they do when my mom had cancer, and I can't make it better. That's the worst part-I can't fix this for them.
She must have felt that way too and never told me. This ending will not be the same.
I need my partner here by my side. I need his arms around me doing what he does best, which is making me feel safe and letting me know how much he loves me. I need him telling me everyday that he will still think that I am beautiful through the chemo, and that he will still love me when I am sick and weak. I wait until I am alone to cry, and I am not much comfort. I guess I need a bigger pillow.
Pace and wait, pace and wait......surely the phone will ring soon...at least HALF of this panic has to be comforted, right?
Sunday, April 13, 2008
Now CANCER!?!?!?!
My mother died of breast cancer.
When I think of the three worst things that could happen to me personally at this stage in my life, they are:
Losing one of my children
Losing my husband (not necessarily in that order, but I had to put something first)
Fighting cancer
I was devastated when my husband was redeployed. If you are reading this, you have read the whining. Now a routine checkup reveals that I have breast cancer. I watched my mother die, and now I feel like I am dying inside. All of this at once. I feel very much alone even though everyone keeps telling me that I am not. I am the only one that will be feeling the pain....
I am terrified.
Someone gave me his poem, and I am going to think about it:
What Cancer Cannot Do
Cancer is so limited...
It cannot cripple love
It cannot shatter hope
It cannot corrode faith
It cannot destroy peace
It cannot kill friendship
It cannot suppress memories
It cannot silence courage
It cannot invade the soul
It cannot steal eternal life
It cannot conquer the spirit.
We will see...we will see.....
When I think of the three worst things that could happen to me personally at this stage in my life, they are:
Losing one of my children
Losing my husband (not necessarily in that order, but I had to put something first)
Fighting cancer
I was devastated when my husband was redeployed. If you are reading this, you have read the whining. Now a routine checkup reveals that I have breast cancer. I watched my mother die, and now I feel like I am dying inside. All of this at once. I feel very much alone even though everyone keeps telling me that I am not. I am the only one that will be feeling the pain....
I am terrified.
Someone gave me his poem, and I am going to think about it:
What Cancer Cannot Do
Cancer is so limited...
It cannot cripple love
It cannot shatter hope
It cannot corrode faith
It cannot destroy peace
It cannot kill friendship
It cannot suppress memories
It cannot silence courage
It cannot invade the soul
It cannot steal eternal life
It cannot conquer the spirit.
We will see...we will see.....
Sunday, March 30, 2008
The "Clackers"
Some people I know ask me why I do not go to church. It seems unusual living here in the Bible belt, but I have personal reasons for not believing. I am a very free thinker, and I want my children to make their own choices as I was never allowed to, and I will respect them and support them. Don't get me wrong, I have tremendous respect for those who believe their religion and live it. Or at least TRY to, as no one is perfect. Just please do not preach to me and tell me that I am a horrible person or that I am wrong. You have no idea, nor have you walked in my shoes. Some groups have been taught that the way to heaven is by condemning others and save them by showing them their faults. I look at this in the same light as the person who steps on the wounded in the trenches in order to get out themselves. Later they say, "but they were going to die anyway". For some this is the only way.
There are so many good and wonderful church goers. My mother was one. Before she died of breast cancer, she was one of the ones that tried to live her religion to the fullest. She was not perfect, but she was perfect at trying to live it, and I still respect that 100%. She always wanted me to see her way because she really thought that it would make me happy, not because she wanted me to conform. Right at the end she finally saw that I WAS already happy, and that was our last gift to each other.
Some are the Sunday-sermon-only church goers. These are what we call the "Clackers". These can be terrifying on a Sunday afternoon in Wal-Mart. If you have ever been there you know what I mean. They have come from church, they are feeling exteremely self-rightous, and they MUST get that last minute stuffing or broccoli and velveeta for their supper that night. They are feeling so good that when they see me and my daughters in our yoga pants, braided hair, and baseball caps (so what's wrong with THAT???) or anyone else dressed as if they clearly have not been to services, they look down on us and decide to judge. This is when we get shoved, rammed, stepped on, etc. I have watched this happen so often that it can almost be timed:
Everyone is shopping is happy bliss, grubby, hair up, no makeup, greeting each other in the Sunday morning paradise that is Wal-Mart. The common bond of a secret, uncrowded store is shared by those "in the know." We smile and stroll along for a bit looking at things you cannot usually see, birds are singing.....(ok, ok, sorry)
As the later hours near, people start looking at their watches, and the pace quickens. Expressions become frantic. It begins to look like a game show as families start throwing merchandise into their carts. Suddenly, we hear it-the first "clack". It's the sound of a high heeled shoe hitting the floor signaling the end of one of the local church services.
Bedlam ensues. Cashiers run to the registers. Customers in tennis shoes race to the front, at least those lucky enough to have finished on time. Those like me who are often late prepare to be afflicted with the daily sermon of judgement of pushing, shoving, and looks that are trying to say that they have to be somewhere more important than I do. Never fear, Clacker, you have been there, and it clearly did not take the first time based on this behavior.
Here is my sermon for next Sunday: put on some yoga pants, push a cart round, and maybe help an older man reach that package of Oreo's that got shoved to the back. Watch him smile in gratitude. I'll bet that sticks with you for more than 30 minutes.
There are so many good and wonderful church goers. My mother was one. Before she died of breast cancer, she was one of the ones that tried to live her religion to the fullest. She was not perfect, but she was perfect at trying to live it, and I still respect that 100%. She always wanted me to see her way because she really thought that it would make me happy, not because she wanted me to conform. Right at the end she finally saw that I WAS already happy, and that was our last gift to each other.
Some are the Sunday-sermon-only church goers. These are what we call the "Clackers". These can be terrifying on a Sunday afternoon in Wal-Mart. If you have ever been there you know what I mean. They have come from church, they are feeling exteremely self-rightous, and they MUST get that last minute stuffing or broccoli and velveeta for their supper that night. They are feeling so good that when they see me and my daughters in our yoga pants, braided hair, and baseball caps (so what's wrong with THAT???) or anyone else dressed as if they clearly have not been to services, they look down on us and decide to judge. This is when we get shoved, rammed, stepped on, etc. I have watched this happen so often that it can almost be timed:
Everyone is shopping is happy bliss, grubby, hair up, no makeup, greeting each other in the Sunday morning paradise that is Wal-Mart. The common bond of a secret, uncrowded store is shared by those "in the know." We smile and stroll along for a bit looking at things you cannot usually see, birds are singing.....(ok, ok, sorry)
As the later hours near, people start looking at their watches, and the pace quickens. Expressions become frantic. It begins to look like a game show as families start throwing merchandise into their carts. Suddenly, we hear it-the first "clack". It's the sound of a high heeled shoe hitting the floor signaling the end of one of the local church services.
Bedlam ensues. Cashiers run to the registers. Customers in tennis shoes race to the front, at least those lucky enough to have finished on time. Those like me who are often late prepare to be afflicted with the daily sermon of judgement of pushing, shoving, and looks that are trying to say that they have to be somewhere more important than I do. Never fear, Clacker, you have been there, and it clearly did not take the first time based on this behavior.
Here is my sermon for next Sunday: put on some yoga pants, push a cart round, and maybe help an older man reach that package of Oreo's that got shoved to the back. Watch him smile in gratitude. I'll bet that sticks with you for more than 30 minutes.
Monday, March 24, 2008
Monday, Bloody Monday
The world woke to the news today that we have hit the 4000 mark of soldiers killed in Iraq today. I was filled with sorrow for those who have lost a loved one in this horror, whether it be American, English, Australian,, Iraqi, etc...somewhere there is a mother that lost a son, or a wife that lost a husband. A daughter that is the same age as my youngest, 10, is being told that she will not see her daddy again. She does not know if her daddy or her big brother was on the "good" side or the "bad" side. She knows that the person that ran along side her while she rode her bike without training wheels for the first time will not do that with HER children. She will not hear that bedtime story again, or get him to take her to learn to drive for the first time. These are the things we are losing, and I wonder if the loss is worth the gain?
Before my husband left he made a Build-a-Bear for me. It was a rare moment that he was on leave and we had a few days together. We went to one of the stores, and the ladies that worked there found out what he was doing for me an put him through his paces. He danced with the stuffed Cheetah that he picked out, washed it, dressed it in camo, named it and put a little voice recording in it. Of course I was teary the whole time because he was being so sweet, and the women in the store were as well. He mentioned that now while he was gone I would be able to hear his voice whenever I wanted. I noticed they were all glancing at each other as if they were communicating something, so I finally persuaded them to tell me. They told me this story:
There was a man that went into their store a few years back at the start of the war to make a bear for his daughter. She was about 6 at the time. He went through similar steps in choosing the perfect animal, dressing it, naming it, and putting a personal message inside. He left it for her as a special surprise after he was gone. She played that message every day, not realizing that was the last time she would hear his voice. He was killed by a roadside bomb, as so many are. About six months later she came into the store with her mother in hysterics. She had played the message so many times that it was no longer working. They spoke to the manager and gave their name, and after looking up the information, the manager leaned down to the child and told her to wait just a minute while she went to the back. She came out holding a copy of the voice insert. The soldier had made a duplicate, just in case. They also had a copy sent to the headquarters where they made several more and they were waiting. The manager told her to listen as much as she wanted, and they would keep her bear washed, stuffed and in great shape as long as she needed it. The store employees told me that this child still wore her bear out but that she is now a part of their "family", and that she frequently visits just to say hello. Those people in that store- they are heroes. Every one of them is a person to be admired. They have gone above and beyond for the sake of a child and the sanity of a mother.
Of course I was a complete mess by this time and realized that we had an audience that had been listening. It was time for me to be presented with my Cheetah. He had to dry out a bit. I think at least 20 people shook my husband's hand that day, including several small children. It's one of those "moments"- the ones that are engraved on you forever.
I never knew that little girl's name, but I thought about her all day when the news came on with that 4000 number. I wish for her sake it would have been 3999. I wish that she could somehow know how much she has inspired me. I wish she had her daddy's real voice and warm arms instead of a worn-out recording from a threadbare toy to tuck her in at night.
I think I will go to bed now and kiss my little girl on the way.
Before my husband left he made a Build-a-Bear for me. It was a rare moment that he was on leave and we had a few days together. We went to one of the stores, and the ladies that worked there found out what he was doing for me an put him through his paces. He danced with the stuffed Cheetah that he picked out, washed it, dressed it in camo, named it and put a little voice recording in it. Of course I was teary the whole time because he was being so sweet, and the women in the store were as well. He mentioned that now while he was gone I would be able to hear his voice whenever I wanted. I noticed they were all glancing at each other as if they were communicating something, so I finally persuaded them to tell me. They told me this story:
There was a man that went into their store a few years back at the start of the war to make a bear for his daughter. She was about 6 at the time. He went through similar steps in choosing the perfect animal, dressing it, naming it, and putting a personal message inside. He left it for her as a special surprise after he was gone. She played that message every day, not realizing that was the last time she would hear his voice. He was killed by a roadside bomb, as so many are. About six months later she came into the store with her mother in hysterics. She had played the message so many times that it was no longer working. They spoke to the manager and gave their name, and after looking up the information, the manager leaned down to the child and told her to wait just a minute while she went to the back. She came out holding a copy of the voice insert. The soldier had made a duplicate, just in case. They also had a copy sent to the headquarters where they made several more and they were waiting. The manager told her to listen as much as she wanted, and they would keep her bear washed, stuffed and in great shape as long as she needed it. The store employees told me that this child still wore her bear out but that she is now a part of their "family", and that she frequently visits just to say hello. Those people in that store- they are heroes. Every one of them is a person to be admired. They have gone above and beyond for the sake of a child and the sanity of a mother.
Of course I was a complete mess by this time and realized that we had an audience that had been listening. It was time for me to be presented with my Cheetah. He had to dry out a bit. I think at least 20 people shook my husband's hand that day, including several small children. It's one of those "moments"- the ones that are engraved on you forever.
I never knew that little girl's name, but I thought about her all day when the news came on with that 4000 number. I wish for her sake it would have been 3999. I wish that she could somehow know how much she has inspired me. I wish she had her daddy's real voice and warm arms instead of a worn-out recording from a threadbare toy to tuck her in at night.
I think I will go to bed now and kiss my little girl on the way.
Sunday, March 23, 2008
How It Is-THE CALL
For those who think that going day to day is smooth sailing for those left at home, I can tell you that it's not. We fight our own war. You see, those who are over in the sand are in grave danger every day, and while I do not trivialize that in any way, it is that exact danger that puts us left here in mental jeopardy. He says, for example, that he will call a certain day, and then he does not.
The panic begins.
Now this is a strange feeling for someone who does not ordinarily deal with this sort of thing on a day-to-day basis, and so I am not equipped to handle it well. The best way to describe it is a wave of terror that can come and go at the worst moments. The phone becomes an appendage. Suddenly you realize that you have left the room without it and your chest tightens until you cannot get a breath, your eyes water, and you just KNOW that he called while you were so STUPID. You race to find it and check and then the disappointment sets in when you see that there are no missed calls. Again, your chest tightens, your eyes water, and by this time you do not know if you should feel relief that you did not miss it or anger that he STILL has not called like he said he would. As you are deciding how to feel a third concern sets in that he might not have called because something terrible has happened. Then generally the tears start....Hopefully at this time you are in the privacy of your own home and not somewhere like work, the store, or a meeting where everyone is in the middle of telling you how much they admire how courageous you are being.
That is also another element of call panic. The well-wishers. They are the wonderful people in your life that mean to be so kind and tell you how great you are, and how much they admire both you and your man, and want to "do something for you if you need ANYTHING". (My yard is about a foot tall, I am allergic to grass, and the well-wishers are nowhere to be seen...). One of the scariest parts of the panic is when you see a well-wisher approaching and the chest is in tight mode. You KNOW they are going to say something, you KNOW they have the best intentions, (they really are wonderful people) you hope they will just decide to talk about the weather because you do not want the flood of emotion to come out. Surely if you are not equipped to handle this, they most certainly are not. So you smile, thank them, and hope they do not notice that you just need them to move along so your phone can ring....
Usually these sessions happen at least a dozen times a day and until THE CALL finally comes. The frustration, joy, relief and anger over the last few days battle it out for about the first five minutes of THE CALL. If you are very lucky, you can just let the joy show through and he has no idea how silly you have been over it. This goes along until it's time for the next call, and the cycle begins again.
So, maybe there are some that do not have this strange phenomenon, but I daresay that there are thousands that do. I have personally spoken to many who have the same type of experience. For all the well-wishers, if you see a strange, tight look on the face of a serviceman's wife, simply squeeze her shoulder and maybe truly do something kind for her without talking about it. She will talk to you when she is able.
Now it's time to go. I have a call to wait for and my chest is getting tight.
The panic begins.
Now this is a strange feeling for someone who does not ordinarily deal with this sort of thing on a day-to-day basis, and so I am not equipped to handle it well. The best way to describe it is a wave of terror that can come and go at the worst moments. The phone becomes an appendage. Suddenly you realize that you have left the room without it and your chest tightens until you cannot get a breath, your eyes water, and you just KNOW that he called while you were so STUPID. You race to find it and check and then the disappointment sets in when you see that there are no missed calls. Again, your chest tightens, your eyes water, and by this time you do not know if you should feel relief that you did not miss it or anger that he STILL has not called like he said he would. As you are deciding how to feel a third concern sets in that he might not have called because something terrible has happened. Then generally the tears start....Hopefully at this time you are in the privacy of your own home and not somewhere like work, the store, or a meeting where everyone is in the middle of telling you how much they admire how courageous you are being.
That is also another element of call panic. The well-wishers. They are the wonderful people in your life that mean to be so kind and tell you how great you are, and how much they admire both you and your man, and want to "do something for you if you need ANYTHING". (My yard is about a foot tall, I am allergic to grass, and the well-wishers are nowhere to be seen...). One of the scariest parts of the panic is when you see a well-wisher approaching and the chest is in tight mode. You KNOW they are going to say something, you KNOW they have the best intentions, (they really are wonderful people) you hope they will just decide to talk about the weather because you do not want the flood of emotion to come out. Surely if you are not equipped to handle this, they most certainly are not. So you smile, thank them, and hope they do not notice that you just need them to move along so your phone can ring....
Usually these sessions happen at least a dozen times a day and until THE CALL finally comes. The frustration, joy, relief and anger over the last few days battle it out for about the first five minutes of THE CALL. If you are very lucky, you can just let the joy show through and he has no idea how silly you have been over it. This goes along until it's time for the next call, and the cycle begins again.
So, maybe there are some that do not have this strange phenomenon, but I daresay that there are thousands that do. I have personally spoken to many who have the same type of experience. For all the well-wishers, if you see a strange, tight look on the face of a serviceman's wife, simply squeeze her shoulder and maybe truly do something kind for her without talking about it. She will talk to you when she is able.
Now it's time to go. I have a call to wait for and my chest is getting tight.
Saturday, March 22, 2008
Pulling It Together
It's not that easy to pull it together and try to figure out how to do this alone. I have been alone many times, and have been through a deployment before with him, but it was very different. Last time I had family around and friends that I saw every day. My marriage was a bit less secure though. This time there is no family but my marriage is better, which just makes it hurt more. My other half is gone so far away. I wish this stupid war was over and we could have them home finally! This time we are sending our oldest one off to college and he will miss that as well as her high school graduation. We are so close and I am already missing that. I am terrified that he will change into a different person like he did last time. I hope he will keep all his promises to me.
I am finding things to concentrate on, such as school work and my various causes. I am pouring myself into everything. Tonight the girls and I are celebrating Ostara, one of the lesser Sabbats. We chose tonight to add to the fun. I put a bunch of eggs outside with glow-in-the-dark paint on them and fun prize coupons inside with things that we can do together, such as movies, bowling, shopping, extra allowance, etc....they will have to search with flashlights and there is also a full moon. I adore them and we will have a ball. They need distractions too, and they time with me as much as I need them. I am so lucky that we are this close.
I have a list of things that I want to do while he is gone, and different things to try and accomplish personally. I am going to try and be positive, but this generally goes against my nature-hahaha.
If I think good things, surely they are bound to happen???
I am finding things to concentrate on, such as school work and my various causes. I am pouring myself into everything. Tonight the girls and I are celebrating Ostara, one of the lesser Sabbats. We chose tonight to add to the fun. I put a bunch of eggs outside with glow-in-the-dark paint on them and fun prize coupons inside with things that we can do together, such as movies, bowling, shopping, extra allowance, etc....they will have to search with flashlights and there is also a full moon. I adore them and we will have a ball. They need distractions too, and they time with me as much as I need them. I am so lucky that we are this close.
I have a list of things that I want to do while he is gone, and different things to try and accomplish personally. I am going to try and be positive, but this generally goes against my nature-hahaha.
If I think good things, surely they are bound to happen???
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